[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
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Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Sing it!
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.