[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
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maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty