[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
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How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.