[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
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My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
some things should go without saying
the saddest jazz hands ever
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”