[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
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Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
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99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO