[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
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The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.