[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
You Might Also Like
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice