[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
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Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…