CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
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[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Because I like to live on the
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?