[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
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“Itself”~History
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.