@sofarrsogud

[First day working in an optometrists]

Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.

Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?

Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol

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@OllyiConic

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

@ObscureGent

Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.

@mean_spice

[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*

@calluptome

If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

@clichedout

ME: do u like smart guys

GIRL AT BAR: yes

ME: sorry i wasted your time

@capnmcfword

If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.

@TheAlexNevil

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?