[First day working in an optometrists]

Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.

Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?

Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol

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what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs


My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look


ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.


Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”


I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.


7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.


A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.


Boss: How were your weekends?

Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team

Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter

Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly


[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]


I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat