first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
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shut up and take my money
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
I am, perchance
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.