First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
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Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Y’all know who you are.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Always a housemaid, never a house.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
The days of good grammer has went
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.