[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
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Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
I identify as an antique shop.