[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
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[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.