First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
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Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.