FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
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Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
dude it’s called proctologist
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Leaving the Barbers like
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”