*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
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Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient