FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
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Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Some of y’all tomorrow …
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.