@RealDMK “Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
@seamussaid FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
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@RealDMK 
@TheRolo Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
@T_N_Crumpets [Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
@Havish_AF Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
@TrinityMustache Black Friday “markdowns” like
@kelkulus My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
@jordan_stratton Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
@brianbowman73 We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
@carlyken Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
@TheAndrewNadeau {At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.