FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
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Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
