*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
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it is time once again
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*