FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
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Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
I only say stupid things when I talk.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*