[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
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*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.