[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
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thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men