first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
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Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Covid like
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
#JohnTravolta
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”