first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
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It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.