[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
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Put my back out twerking in the library again
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
I can’t stop laughing at this
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.