First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
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Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.