First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
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i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.