*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
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Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Ferrari squats
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand