First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
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Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads