[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
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I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect