First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
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I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
A great tip. #CakeRex
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.