[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
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Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
You had me at “define legal”.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.