first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
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What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
dream blunt rotation
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG