first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
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Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
They did not miss in the small print
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “