[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
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If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8