[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
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Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
that lip filler tho
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.