[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
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Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain