@aneesa_p

First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.

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@benerdist

A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?

@GianDoh

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

@highwaytohelv

why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*

@trevso_electric

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.

@meganamram

Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination

@bobsin

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

@UNDEADTRESOR

Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.

@JasonLastname

How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?