@aneesa_p

First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.

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@MrSpoonicorn

what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs

@visionbored2

Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps

Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no

@TheFirstDudish

My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”

@DrinkingJimmy

When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.

@stephanidek

[NYE]

ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*

OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair

@mortimermaiden

The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.

@Marlebean

Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”

Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”

@PnkRckrSheena

Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.