First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
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If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
I have a type: disappointing
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.