First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
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Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
This was my dad’s browser history.