[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
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amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
when dads have a rap battle
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Investing in beetcoin
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”