@SlipNutsTM

First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.

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@abgutman

Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.

@Thomas_Lull

Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.

@1CarParade

If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!

@DanMentos

*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”

@bazecraze

People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.

@mommajessiec

Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*

Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*

Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*

@nattylumpo88

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

@hipchkk

Best bird cliques…

A “murder” of crows

A “flamboyance” of flamingos

A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished