First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.

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Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.


Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.


If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!


*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”


People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.


Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*

Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*

Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*


I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.


Best bird cliques…

A “murder” of crows

A “flamboyance” of flamingos

A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished