First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
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Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
