First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
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No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
i’m still crying at this
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?