First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
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i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.