First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
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I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?