First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
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First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me: