First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
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“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
oh shit
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.