First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
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Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Tony Hawk, age 6
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.