First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set
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Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
this country is so goddamn polarized
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
I love you…
…r dog.