First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
You Might Also Like
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.