First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
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Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Me: *sips flask*
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Love this one 😂🧟
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t