First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
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* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone