[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
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[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name